Shining Red For Love

by P. Cruz

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1.
Do I deserve your love You Say I do I'm not so sure But I'll live life for you Do I deserve your love You say I do I'll make the best of it And try to love myself too Do I deserve Welcome to the Start of the end I’m glad that you can make it my friend Contradictory emotion I want to die, but I'm open too keep my soul as broken pieces together I'll hold em in fractures for as long as I can as long as you're the other hand gripping the bits and sewing the rips cause the will of my hands to finger tips is half way to giving in to an after-death, my vapid breast is hollow, barely worth a sip of any air, for a plant to share is too kind for a leaf to spare but you give me all the breath I need With your love, your lips are saving me Let’s go
2.
Karma 32 02:31
I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t I'm 32 still depressed Maybe this is karma in a past life, or younger self Was I the devil's partner do i still run amok murder love and bring their mission farther Will everything I continue to touch disintegrate to charcoal That's why I run to heighted lights therapized with armor I run and run, clash with suns and everything is darker If this the case and stays my fate leave me broken to wander let the birds eat me, the boulder be me and the guillotine keep sharper I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate So it comes down my heads off rollin down to top off the endless pile of run off from the blood clouds the sun is off Hope it peeks through my last thought warms a single space in my dead fog that's thick to touch like a water rug I'm drowning when I step off Can that single beam save me Show the way or take me back to source to its cohorts inject plasma that'll shape me to a mini star or even dust when I'm born again I want to trust to reincarnate to a loving ape or whatever so i won't my face I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don't want to hate myself So I have to kill myself Who I was was someone else So I have to kill I don't want to hate myself So I have to kill myself Who I was was someone else So I have to kill I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don’t I don’t I don’t I don’t wanna hate I don't want to hate myself
3.
Shade 02:33
I pretty much Don't give a fuck Bout what you gotta say you can swallow that shade I've given up trying to get that love from people in my way they can swallow that shade I pretty much Don't give a fuck Bout what you gotta say you can swallow that shade I've given up trying to get that love from people in my way they can swallow that shade Been a long time coming been racking up to nothing stacking on negatives these self expletive terraces are higher than my merriment how can I nip the precedent that's growing out to self indent these buds are building tunnels instead cherishing and it's burrowed in my brain deep within my grin can I let in some evidence that maybe shows im not a piece of shit please omit I pretty much Don't give a fuck Bout what you gotta say you can swallow that shade I've given up trying to get that love from people in my way they can swallow that shade All of my self worth tied up in elsewhere All of this self hurt Coming from self stares Trying to look in mirror see beautiful all i can do is get sick spit in lieu Of kindness, and self care Behind this, skin tear I want to find the blood of my being hopefully find the opposite reading of what i'm seeing on the daily I question why my partner stays with me question why she hasn't ever seen the monster, the imposter the darkness i foster I pretty much Don't give a fuck Bout what you gotta say you can swallow that shade I've given up trying to get that love from people in my way they can swallow that shade I pretty much Don't give a fuck Bout what you gotta say you can swallow that shade I've given up trying to get that love from people in my way they can swallow that shade
4.
Crushed 02:28
Left to my devices I'm crushed Under the weight of life I'm crushed Trying to find the light crushed Trying to find the light crushed I got the touch of your love I'm up I'm up What the fuck is happiness anyway Is it just a drug for the everyday Keep me in line so every time cry I'm itching for the hit of smiles Crushing up a line for my teeth to shine to forget I'm less for a little while high on sun rays in a blind daze frying eyes til they melt away Back to my brain distort every frame laying on a grain affect how it plays film shutter butter on burnt toast fatten up the taste filter has the say how I feel things like a wired skin how I see things megapixeling is my happiness just an option on a touch screen social feelings Left to my devices I'm crushed Under the weight of life I'm crushed Trying to find the light crushed Trying to find the light crushed I got the touch of your love I'm up I'm up Love v happiness I put my money on the former The ad voice spoken by 2nd choice is unattained life orders That I wouldn't crave and wouldn't save for comparison to my feed, if I didn't eat what they serve as meat when behind it's plastic hoarders in love we can fall it's everything in between the anger and the pain laughing smile beam The embraces, cry faces, the cursing and the screams Of I love you so much my hearts bursting every beat Mahal na mahal kita Mahal na mahal kita Mahal na mahal kita Mahal na mahal kita Left to my devices I'm crushed Under the weight of life I'm crushed Trying to find the light crushed Trying to find the light crushed I got the touch of your love I'm up I'm up
5.
I spent my life wanting to die and end up somewhere couldn't try cause everything I touched ended up a mess Is there a place that I can go In a timeline where you didn't know me or interact with any of my energy You'd be better off you'd be better off If I didn't exist If I didn't persist to be My return to the darkness Is a blood moon harvest filling up my cup Shining red for love My return to the darkness Is a blood moon harvest filling up my cup Shining red for love I want to love me like you love me too I want to trust your eyes and what they see me through I want to believe I want to believe That you’re seeing the truth in me You'd be better off you'd be better off If I didn't exist If I didn't persist to be Do your eyes for me Lie to me Maybe love is the reason why your blind to me Why you promised your life and time to me Why you think I could ever be what I've never seen when I peek in between my ribs and watch lungs breathe stealing oxygen from earth that could be of better worth in the mouth of another person and I'd probably hurt them But I guess it's time to get up wake away from my default set up Recharge my heart with your sleeve tug pullin me out of the nightmare dream hub I created this loop as as a pile of soot cut the ending at the root where the phoenix is the victory Can i believe a beauty like you is feelin me and wants healing me My return to the darkness Is a blood moon harvest filling up my cup Shining red for love My return to the darkness Is a blood moon harvest filling up my cup Shining red for love My return to the darkness Is a blood moon harvest filling up my cup Shining red for love My return to the darkness Is a blood moon harvest filling up my cup Shining red for love

about

P. Cruz's "Shining Red For Love" was written one song a day during a depressive episode. His hope was to emotionally support himself by writing until the feelings ran out. Its results are P. Cruz's most honest lyrical writing to date and a collection of love songs that grapple with accepting that love. His previous record "Letter to Miss Ives" projected his emotions on fictional characters and hid behind, at times, unintelligible metaphors. P. Cruz's "Shining Red For Love" is an attempt to be honest enough so that each song needs no explanation other than itself, and so it can relate to others who have, are, and will experience similar emotions.

credits

released November 9, 2020

Written, Produced, Performed, and Mixed by P. Cruz
Mixing Consultant - Construct (www.instagram.com/construct.music/)

Steph, thank you for loving me so fully. This record is part of my journey in working towards accepting that I deserve your love.

Kathy, Tom, and Melody, thank you for subjecting yourself to so much of my music over the years. Sending songs to you is how 90% of my songs are "released."

Thank you to all my chosen fam who took the time to listen to the demos for this record. Time is precious, so it mean so much to me that you would spend it listening to my unedited musical musings.

Thank you to everyone who has liked, commented, and messaged me when I posted bits of finishing "Shining Red For Love." These actions gave me the final push I needed.

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P. Cruz New York

P. Cruz is a Filipino-American artist from Queens, NY.

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